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The Ten Un-Commandments of Parenting

Parenting is a personal and deeply emotional thing. No two people parent the same and everyone feels like they're trying their hardest (and yet usually failing in some way).

I've seen people latch on to theories from books, advice from others, and behaviors linked to labels. And I've seen a lot of people uncomfortable with their parenting. (And yes, I totally include myself as having been in each of those situations.)

In my almost ten years of parenting I think I've figured a lot of stuff out. Not all of it, obviously, or Nick would be much more zen than he is but I think that having read and experienced a lot of things has given me some perspective and allowed me to find my groove.

In pondering my general parenting philosophy today, I came up with the Ten Un-Commandments of Parenting. They're Un-Commandments because I'm not telling anyone to do them, I'm just sharing the framework I try to work and grow within.

1) Parent consciously
Make choices. Form habits, say words, take actions, and set priorities because you've chosen them, not because you've fallen into a rut or because you're following someone else's "should"s.

2) Parent respectfully
Respect your children as individuals from the beginning of their existence. Trust them, let them make choices, have their opinions count.

3) Assume the best
Assuming your child is operating from the best of intentions changes the tone of interactions. They should have to show you that their behavior is unkind/selfish/hurtful rather than having to prove their good intentions.

4) Parent from the gut
Parents have strong instincts that can guide them in so many different situations and yet we ignore our gut feelings so often because of fear and worry. Following our instincts can bring us amazing things.

5) Touch your child
Touch does some really neat things, from stabilizing heart and breathing rates in babies to diffusing tense situations with older kids. Hug and hold and wrestle with your kids!

6) Do less
We're always so busy doing and going and talking. Sometimes our kids want us to just stop and sit down on the floor with them. Or they want us to give them space to be. Do less and make more room.

7) Have empathy
Getting out of our own head space and seeing things through our children's eyes can change the way we react to situations or can help us to avoid difficult moments.

8) Seek balance for the family
Try to find a way for situations to mostly work for most of the family. Be flexible in finding ways to keep everyone's needs a priority.

9) Be real
Be authentic with your children. They know the difference. Stop worrying about whether you should let them see you cry or find out where your weaknesses are. They can smell fake from a mile away and it doesn't help to build a trusting relationship.

10) Grow yourself
Grow and learn and read more all the time. Become a better parent, a more accomplished artist, a healthier individual. Walk the talk of being a great person and set that in front of your child as an example.
2010 09 02 KimProbable Friends Comments Off Permalink

End of Line

So thanks to Cliff’s shitty accounting, I have been thrown off by today being the last day of the Summer Blog Challenge. Add to that the fact that I have been far more interested in watching YouTube videos than writing this post. I really didn’t want to write a “wrap-up” post as the last post of the challenge but fuck it, here ya go.

Earlier this year Tammy mentioned to me that, as a group of friends, we talk a lot but not much really gets said (she said this in the context of coffee outings, but the statement stands on its own). She asked me questions about some of you, in the vein of things like “what does Cliff’s dad do?” and I found that I couldn’t actually answer some of her questions about people that I have known for years. Over the course of this year’s SBC, I think we’ve all had a great opportunity to share parts of our lives with each other that may very well have just been glossed over as part of “every day life”.

Like Erron, I get excited when people leave comments on my posts. I love being able to start discussions on topics that I thought only I was interested in. I love participating in discussions started by others that I thought I had no interest in. I enjoyed getting to know Brad and Kathy and hear about their adventure to Canada.

At the same time I’m glad it’s over because goodgoddamn I’ve been out of interesting things to write about for at least a week. And apparently so have all of you. Maybe next year the SBC could be stretched over July and August, but the amount of “required” content kept the same (30-31 posts of 150 words each); just to give people some breathing room.
2010 09 02 Chad Friends Comments Off Permalink

To Be Continued…

31 posts that were over 150 words each in 31 days.  That was the challenge, and I’ve succeeded.  But this has been about more than just the awesome pointsTM, this year I have managed to make this blog a purposeful place to share my thoughts and stories.  I am completing this challenge with more than just a sigh of relief, I am finishing with a desire that more things would happen that I can blog about in the coming weeks and months.  In a few weeks I can blog about slaughtering and processing our first chickens, and later on, the same for our pigs and the tasty food I plan to make with those chickens and pigs using the smoker I just picked up today at the store.  I may post about how we plan on winterizing for the animals and winterizing the house.  The kids will grow and do cool stuff, or frustrating stuff, and part of this blog will always have those beaming or venting posts.  I’ll take apart broken things and fix them, and I’ll use parts of old junk to fix or build other things.  Who knows, maybe even the renovations to fix the bathroom from the fire will warrant a post if the insurance company ever gets them completed (it’s only been 7 months since it happened…)

 

Thanks for reading, I look forward to having you back again soon.

 

 

PS: I think I get extra awesome pointsTM for currently having the top Google search result for soylent delorean.  Just think of all the extra traffic those 2 everyday words will bring to my blog!

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2010 09 02 drkyle Friends
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Gobsmacked at the effort of it all

So here it is.   The one that I’ve been thinking about.  I’ve had a miserable couple of weeks, my brain keeps going over things, and I can’t stop thinking about it.   We have been having an issue with violence in Elijah, so you might see how I couldn’t just put out in the world that my son is suddenly resorting to violence, that he has been cruel both to our other kids (Micah excluded), and our animals, or that I couldn’t  just tell you that I was worried that we would never be invited to be social with another family, that he could never join and extra curricular program, that he may injure one of his sibling seriously,  or that one day he would be a sociopath, without giving you the full story.  I couldn’t risk even those who love us to make a judgment without knowing the road we’re on to improve it.

Elijah has Autism, and one of the main diagnostic criteria of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder),  is developmental delay.  While he may be at a 5 year level in some respects, he can be at a 2 year old level in others.  Think about a two year old…they hit, tantrum, and bite.  It’s normal at that age, in fact it can be considered an cognitive advancement they are starting to realize that the have their own desires, and that by acting out they can sometimes control, or manipulate a situation into his or her favor.  It’s also pretty easy to control a two year old, and they can’t really push around kids bigger than them, not so with our big for his age, strong for his frame 5 year old.

Elijah also has impulse control issues, he does things without thinking about consequences a lot.  So when we noticed he was hitting and biting often, when he was frustrated, we tried a myriad of responses.  From quiet correction, full out yelling, time outs, and at it’s climax, when he was tossing Petra around in the pig pen and hitting the pigs with a stick, he got a spanking.  Probably the least likely way to get Elijah to stop hitting when he felt frustrated, I’m sure you see it:  Parent gets so frustrated they hit son for getting so frustrated he hit daughter.  Spanking is a parent impulse control problem.

This was the incident that lead us to talk to a psychologist (a friend of mine), a doctor who wouldn’t give us a referral, a doctor who would, a friend with a son also on the spectrum, a compounding pharmacist who is incredibly knowledgeable about ASD and the variety of treatments there are, a program administrator, and Elijah’s occupational therapist.

You see we’re interested in seeing a biomedical specialist here in town, so our first step was to get a doctor to write us a referral, so we tell our story to the first guys and he says no, we tell our story to a second guy he says yes, we tell the pharmacist, so she can collaborate with the family doctor who said yes, but isn’t familiar with biomedical treatments for patients on the spectrum,we tell our story to the therapist to get his input on therapeutic sessions that will curb the behavior, we tell the story to two friends to get their input, we tell a program administrator the story to get him into The Alivin Buckwald Center (an Autism clinic) here in town, and Kyle and I spent most evenings talking about it and what we think our best options are.

The absolutely emotionally soul sucking problem with having to do all of this talking, is that we don’t get to talk about Elijah, we talk about the problem behavior, over and over and over.  Do you have any idea how how incredibly sad it made me to only talk about Elijah in the worst possible light for over a week, and then find out that we’re not likely to see the specialist for any type biomedical help for over a year, and that the behavioral help from the Alvin Buckwald center is likely a 7 or 8 month wait? Very, VERY, sad.

Our occupational therapist was of great help, and since we’re already with him he can start to implement some things right away, but we also spoke with him about starting another type of therapy called RDI (Relationship Development Intervention Program) which helps spectrum kids learn the skills for dynamic thinking and interacting, giving them the tools they need for friendship , teamwork, employability, and independent living. I think it would be a valuable tool, but I must read through the book about it, before we can commit to starting a program that requires intensive parent involvement from a mom who’s already worn thin on time.  God, finding time to read the book is hard (you may have noticed a few skipped blog posts this last week or two) let alone realistically adding one more ‘to do’ in my day, and tape it, and submit it for review.  And the book is not easy reading either it talks about specific brain functions, deficits, and the difference each cerebral area plays in static and dynamic thinking. Oh, and did I mention how much of the cost of this therapy is covered by the province? 0%, even though it would save the government thousands (millions?) in assisted living, and make work costs in the future.  So you know, it should totally be cheap. ugg.

I’m also about to start calling the specialist’s office and start throwing Kyle’s name around, and the fact that he works for the department of medicine at the University to see if that has any pull.  Basically I need to say, hey were already on the road with biomedical, and my husbands a smart guy who can read a medical review paper, so you wont have to start at square one with us.  I hate games like this I’d rather not play them, it should be equal opportunity for everyone, and the wait should never be a year, think about the possibility of treatment within a year vs. none!  And I hate being pushy, or worse shot down.

So there it is out in the world. Elijah can be mean, were working on it.  Thanks to divine mercy, things this week on the the Elijah behavior front is really good, it can almost feel as though I might have made it all up, but now that we’re moving forward (slowly) there’s no moving back, and no stalling.


2010 09 02 Erron Friends Comments Off Permalink

Pumping Iron – the sequel

The first day of working out is easy. You watch the video, follow the steps, and then you go collapse. Easy-peasy. Okay, well, maybe not so easy, if my tweet last night is any indication:

Barely keeping it together. First workout in a long time. So weak. Ah, well. The journey of a thousand steps and all that… #dontpukeplease

But you know what I’m talking about, right? That dreaded second day. You wake up, and everything you worked the day before is weak, stiff, sad, angry, all these emotions, and that’s just coming from my back and chest. I’m looking forward to tonight’s workout, but I’m also kinda dreading it. It doesn’t help that I have no idea what tonight is going to look like.
I don’t think I can get back up on that chinup bar, and I collapsed laughing on the ground trying to do my last set of diamond pushups, so the idea of getting right back into that tonight is just ridiculous. I went down to start, and even though I pushed up, I kept going down. My chest thumped against my fingers and I had to laugh. I guess that’s working to failure. Ah well, I still managed to do some dive-bomber pushups before it was all over.
I haven’t been able to track down an affordable dumbbell set, so I used jars of honey for that purpose last night. It wasn’t enough weight. It helps that I knew it wouldn’t be enough weight, but I do need to get a weight set.
The self-defeatist in me would like to know why this workout regimen is going to work when I haven’t been exactly stellar at keeping with things like this in the past. I would tell that niggling little voice that this is going to work because I understand the price that has to be paid, and I understand what I will gain from it.
No, not the girlish figure. Though, it will be nice to see those results as well.
I have had back pain since I was a teenager. My knees make this celery noise when I go up the stairs (or when I straighten my knees, apparently). I can maintain a reasonably high level of activity for awhile before I get too tired, and I can usually do okay when I play ball hockey, but I want to do more than just that. I want to still be running at the end of the night. I want to be able to help someone move and not spend the next three days wishing I were dead. I want to mitigate the risks for diabetes. And, honestly, I want to push through this mental barrier that I have. I am so scared to push beyond my comfort zone, to see what I can really do if I’m motivated enough, if it’s actually required of me. Can I make it through the 90 days of fitness hell? I think so. Now I just need to know so, and everything will be well.
This isn’t going to become the ULTIMATE BODY-SCULPTING blog or anything, but I will keep it posted with my progress, my regressions, my victories, my pains.
So, here’s some starting information: Body weight: 244.5 pounds
I figure I can lose 50 pounds from that and be healthy. I’m not a small guy, so my goal weight couldn’t (and shouldn’t) be something like 170 pounds or anything like that, but I have enough junk in various areas of my body so that 195 pounds shouldn’t be an unreasonable goal. I’m not saying that will be the goal for the end of this challenge. I wouldn’t even know what to expect out of this challenge. To quote Mr. T, from Rocky III: “My prediction? Pain.”
So, that’s it. Another Summer Blog Challenge is in the books. This is my first completed one, but hopefully it won’t be the last. And hopefully I won’t hesitate to sign up (or even start it up) next year.
I do hope to keep my blog updated more than it has been in the past, though a post per day doesn’t seem like something I’ll be maintaining.
Until more later on,

Liam

2010 09 02 liam Friends
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Holy Cow

So, yesterday, I mentioned that I was looking into a fitness program that Shaun had mentioned his wife, Lindsay, was doing.

Today, I started that fitness regime in earnest.

Holy cow.

Chest and back, eh? I imagine that a lot more than that will hurt tomorrow. In fact, I might not be able to push myself up out of bed. Push ups and pull ups, and flies, complemented by stretching, warming up, cooling down, and a testosterone-laced host who could probably run through a brick wall.

Last year, I tried a kettle-bell workout that I saw online and gave up after the first workout because it hurt too much.

What has changed since then? Mindset. I will not stop. this workout is 90 days, and I will see it through to the end.

See? That’s me being accountable. Accountable old Liam, that’s me.

Now, if I can get up for work in the morning, everything will be perfect.

Liam

2010 09 01 liam Friends
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Electrical Optimization

Our house is tall.  Most of our day is spent on the main floor, the bedrooms are on floor 2 and the attic houses a playroom for the kids.  Sadly, while there used to be a radiator at the bottom of the attic stairs and one in the attic they had been removed a long time ago.  Possibly when the steam boiler got swapped 30 years ago the one they put in didn’t do a good job for all the floors so they took them out.  What is left up in the attic is a set of 3 baseboard heaters that I’m not really happy with.  They get a bit too hot, and last winter Petra’s Cinderalla Barbie suffered some hair meltage because she was placed up against one of them.

 

I’ve been thinking of ways to try and reduce the electricity usage needed for the playroom and I’ve been batting around a few ideas.  One is that I need to get a programmable thermostat for the attic.  There aren’t any kids up there between 8PM and 8AM so having the heat off/very low would do a good job to cut usage by up to 1/2.  The other thing I’d like to put in is a ceiling fan which would pull up the cold air and force the warm ceiling-level air to circulate down.  As our house has no forced air heating it can get pretty stagnant and it should help to make the room more comfortable when set a bit cooler and make the heat created more usable.  The third thing I have in mind is I would like to have an on-demand heater that senses when the room is in use and heats it up.  I know that infrared heaters create heat immediately, so I would like to go to the store and give some a try.  If I could have the baseboards hold the temp at cool but manageable during the day the infrared could quickly make it comfortable.

 

I don’t know if I will have the time/money to do the infrared thing this year.  Heck, I think it would be efficient to put in-floor heating under the carpet but the cost is just waaaay to high for that.  Even without the infrared I think I can save half the heat costs which at 10c per kwh x 3 1000w heaters x 16 hours heating per day x 30 days x 5 months would mean saving half of $720.  Hmm…  looking at it that way it might be a good idea just to shut down the playroom for Jan-Feb… 

 

Well, that’s the plan, I’ll have to let you know how it works out.


2010 09 01 drkyle Friends
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Celebrate!

As an unschooly family our life rolls along all year without holidays or first days of classes and while I appreciate how it means we value the living and learning we do each day I think that it can lead us towards taking for granted the life we have. There is no anticipation for and celebration of summer holidays, no exciting newness in September.

Today, a local homeschool support group called Homebased Learning Society of Alberta put on the annual First Day Not Back To School Picnic. It's a really fun tradition where all sorts of homeschooling families gather at Emily Murphy Park to eat, play, and visit. It's a day where we celebrate the coming year of not sending our kids back to school, on the very day when most families in the city are celebrating sending their kids to their first day of school.

Today informally kicks off the school year for us and I'm taking this opportunity to celebrate the things to come.

I'm celebrating all the mornings I'll get to snuggle on the couch with my kids and eat a home cooked breakfast with them. I'm celebrating the days we'll get up early to get as much time out of our day as possible, and the days we'll sleep in to rest and recover.

I'm celebrating the afternoons we'll spend at the science center, art classes, playgrounds, music classes, friend's houses and forests. I'm also celebrating the afternoons we'll watch Discovery Channel, play board games, create artwork, and bake cookies.

I'm celebrating the evenings we'll spend at Beavers, in the back yard, watching movies, and playing soccer. I'm celebrating the nights the kids will fall in bed exhausted and the times they'll have so much to say that they just won't be able to let the day go.

I'm celebrating the tiny moments that I know I'll witness: light bulbs going off, passions sparking, relationships deepening, and maturity growing. I'm also celebrating the big moments to come: leaps in independence, growth spurts, and the hitting of strides.

I'm excited about the coming year and all the things I don't even know are coming our way yet. This life that I get to live with these children of mine is a great one.
2010 09 01 KimProbable Friends Comments Off Permalink

Tunes

Since I was the one that mentioned discussing music as part of the SBC, I figured I should do a post about it before the challenge is over. For those people that have actually met me I think it’s fairly obvious which genres are my favourite: heavy metal & hard rock. And while I do listen to more genres then just metal, I don’t think I’ll ever match Cliff or Tammy’s breadth of varied tastes. I’ll try to run through the bands that have always found a place on my play lists across the years.

Metallica
A really clear-cut one, Metallica has been my favourite from the beginning. I was introduced to their music in the form of the Black Album when I was about twelve and I’ve been a fan ever since. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, there are albums they’ve put out that I don’t like but that doesn’t mean that I have to stop liking the band altogether.

If I had to pick one song out of their entire discography to be my number one favourite, that song would have to be Sad But True. The reason I feel so connected to this song is two-fold: first off, I can really identify with the lyrics. Secondly, when I was eighteen, Metallica held a concert in Edmonton that I attended. When they played Sad But True, the music was so loud and so heavy that I felt my internal organs shake. It was fucking awesome.



Some other songs of theirs that I really enjoy include: Cure (Load), One (… And Justice For All), Fixxxer (Reload), For Whom The Bell Tolls (Ride the Lightning), and Master of Puppets (Master of Puppets).

Tool
Tool is one of those bands that takes a while to “get”. The music they create sounds like your run-of-the-mill metal but it’s the lyrics that make the songs really good. Maynard James Keenan, the band’s frontman tends to write songs that have either politically charged messages or downright introspective and/or esoteric ones. It’s these esoteric songs that I tend to like the most.

Forty Six & 2, a song from the album Ænima, is one of my favourites. The title references an idea first conceived by Drunvalo Melchizedek concerning the possibility of reaching a state of evolution at which the body would have two more than the normal 46 total chromosomes and leave a currently disharmonious state. The premise is that humans would deviate from the current state of human DNA which contains 44 autosomes and 2 sex chromosomes. The next step of evolution would likely result in human DNA being reorganized into 46 and 2 chromosomes, according to Melchizedek.

Furthermore, the song references a wish to experience change through the "shadow"; an idea which represents the parts of one's personality that one hates and fears, which also exists as a recurring theme in the work of Carl Jung. It is this reference that initially drew me to the song.



Other songs from Tool that I listen to regularly include: Right In Two (10,000 Days), Schism and The Grudge (both on Lateralus), Sober (Undertow), and a live version of Cold and Ugly (Opiate EP).

Type O Negative
I discovered Type O Negative on the Mortal Kombat movie soundtrack alongside some other bands that I also grew to like (Fear Factory and Gravity Kills). They are commonly viewed as a gothic metal band that places lyrical emphasis on themes of romance, depression, and death. The band also has a quirky sense of humour that I have always enjoyed.

Picking a favourite song by this group would be difficult. Between the songs that have that touch of dark humor such as We Hate Everyone and I Like Goils and the slower, more melodic ones (particularly the ones where they use pianos) like September Sun and Love You To Death, it is hard to pick just one.



I was saddened when I heard of the death of Type O’s lead singer, Peter Steele, earlier this year. The band hasn’t announced if it will be making any more music and I would find it hard to believe that they could find some one with the same sound as Steele.

The Rest
My music collection has many more groups and artists beyond these three. Some of them stray pretty far from the domain of hard rock like Enigma and Jesse Cook. Others, like Nickelback, fall into the category of “part of this band really sucks, but part of it rocks too”. I have a few bands on the pile that are definitely from the “I’m an angsty young adult” era, namely Stabbing Westward, Linkin Park, and Korn. And, of course, there is always good ol' Monster Magnet.

There are dozens upon dozens of other artists on my list but this post is getting a little to long and I want to get some gaming in before bed, so I think this is where it ends.
2010 09 01 Chad Friends Comments Off Permalink

Unschooling

I don’t spend a lot of time talking about our decision to homeschool Nick. I don’t even think about it much. He’s a bright boy, he picks his way, and he is interested in an amazing array of things, about which he knows a lot more than his old pappy, here.

Kim forwarded me a link the other day, and when I read it, it made sense. I commented on Shaun’s post from yesterday, intending it to be a quick bit about P90X, which Lindsay has either started, or plans to start fairly soon. (that’s the subject of another post — or series of posts — another time) and it expanded into a lot of me babbling about homeschooling. So now, I’m going to go into the details and the wherefore of the way we parent.

Attachment Parenting

Kim is a babywearing educator. Basically, she teaches people to use slings, wraps, soft-structured carriers, and all that good stuff, to help a parent to keep their kid close. When I was growing up, it was always a criticism I would hear from my mom or her friends that “that woman always picks her kid up, it’ll spoil him.” Or something to that effect. I dunno. My mom was always responsive to my cries, as far as I can remember. So, when my babies (all three of them) cry or kick up a fuss, I try to see what they’re seeing, try to make it better. Spoil the kid… sheesh. What kind of dad doesn’t try to make things better for his kids?

The Ferber Method

Coming into this whole parenthood thing, I didn’t have much of a clue. I didn’t have any theories, I just kinda sat by and put out fires. I think early parenthood is like that for a lot of people. Of course, I started parenthood with a 4 year old. (granted, I came into his life at 2, and started taking a half-assed parenty role around 3, but still) When Lily came along, I had NO clue. She wasn’t convulsey anymore, and that was good enough for me. But she liked to cry. Do we let her cry it out? That’s what I’ve heard. Then Kim told me to use my brain. Then I did. Kid is crying because it is missing something, something’s wrong, or it’s lonely. When I look at it from the baby Lily’s perspective, yeah, I’d probably cry under those circumstances, too. So, if the baby cries, I respond to her. Kim will tell you all about how the baby feels it is being heard in this circumstance and that is how engaged and responsible people are made. I just used my brain and tried to see it from Lily’s POV. Now, Ferber method people, from what I’ve heard (I don’t like to speak in absolutes unless I have to — anything that’s hearsay, I’ll generally mark as such), believe that always responding to a baby’s cries will lead that baby to cry for everything, possibly manipulating the parents, or bending them to its will. That’s definitely something to be scared of… if you’re the parent of Stewie Griffin. When the baby’s will is milk, sleep, cuddles, and a little bit of attention, I don’t think baby’s will should really be thwarted — at any time of the day or night.

Co-Sleeping

I mentioned to a co-worker, once, that I co-sleep with my children. He said something along the lines of, “Dude, that’s messed up. You’re going to totally mess your kids up!” I asked him why he would say something like that, and he gave me some bullshit line about a study he’d read somewhere once. Or something. (we didn’t talk much about anything after that) This one was a no-brainer for me. When I was growing up, my parents’ bed was a no-fly-zone for us kids. Can’t sleep? Too bad. Go back to bed. Lonely in your insomnia? Stop making so much noise. Go don’t sleep somewhere else. I can see it from my parents’ perspective. They had to be up early, dad didn’t get nearly as much sleep as he probably should have, and they were a couple — they had needs. I remember that rejection very keenly, though, and I resolved back then, and hold to it now, that my kids would never be denied access to my bed. Can’t sleep? Come on in and snuggle close. Lonely? Snuggle in a little closer and go back to sleep. And what of my co-worker’s assertion that I’m going to mess up my kids? Well, if kids knowing they are loved and that their parents are there for them 24 hours a day is going to mess them up, then I guess we’ll just have little freak-kids.

Little Freak Kids

Erm… I mean, homeschooling

Nick was not meant to be confined to a classroom 6-8 hours per day throughout his childhood. He is very smart, and the repetitive nature of elementary school teaching, along with the slowest-student-sets-the-curriculum pace, and Nick’s perfectionist nature all combined to make this decision a lot easier than I made it on myself.

I worried that Nick would not be properly educated at home. That his chances of getting into college were slim to none. That he would have no future. That he would be some homeless bum begging for change on the sidewalk with a sign that said “My parents homeschooled me.” Really, probably not, but it was a huge step. Not just a huge step, but a

huge

step for me as a parent. It took a really bad afternoon of homework to make me see what my resistance was doing to the family. I was being a jerk to my kid, trying to get him to do some stupid homework assignment that didn’t mean anything, didn’t teach anything. It was asking Nick to copy a photograph of a kid with forks hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, like anything a first-grader could do would look anything like a photograph… except that Nick couldn’t accept what he was capable of. He knew that he was expected to copy the photograph and do a good job. And since he couldn’t do a good job (being a first-grader, who wasn’t particularly fond of the pencil at any stage), he didn’t want to do it. Fuck, I’m still really worked up over that day. But instead of getting angry at Nick and his resistance, I’m worked up because I’m embarrassed over how much I let some institution’s arbitrary work assignment get to me, and to my family. As much as I’m embarrassed by that scene, though, it is the experience that allowed me to let go of my preconceived notions of what defines success in life, and brought me over to Kim’s side regarding homeschooling.

Unschooling

Trust your kids. They will know what they need/want to learn. Their interests will drive them down their own path. Don’t be a teacher, throwing stuff at them and hoping it sticks. Be an enabler — a guide on their learning journey. Sounds pretty flighty and idealistic, and I suppose it is, but it has worked so far. Nick isn’t any less socially conscious than any other little boys — more so than some of our neighbour kids. A lot of that is his personality and the way he’s wired, but I like to think that being out in the world on a consistent basis, rather than stuck in a classroom learning about what’s out there, has helped him to be aware of who he is in the world.

2010 08 31 liam Friends
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