Analog Coast

It’s not that Developer #2 is a dumb guy. In fact, he’s one of the smartest on my team (which perhaps is saying something.. but really, he’s not a dumb guy). It’s just that human capacity for obliviousness is so incredibly vast it seems to not only trump logic, but actively block it’s use.

Perhaps by cornering Logic in a darkened ally and bludgeoning it to death with a sharpened carrot. But I digress. Here follows my conversation

James to Developer #2: What happens if someone were to call your (common/global) stored proc with NULL in that field

(note: this is an intentional design thing, NULL=all records, and I’d sent 2 emails to my team documenting this fact)

Developer #2 to James: But when I call it, I pass in the LoanID of the loans I generated a schedule for

James to Developer #2: Riiigh… but if someone elsewhere were to call it with NULL

Developer #2 to James: [stares hard at the screen]

James to Developer #2: Like If I wanted to check all loans in the system, on a different screen

Developer #2 to James: [stares hard at the screen]

Developer #2 to James: But when I call it, I pass in the LoanID of the loans I generated a schedule for

James to Developer #2: But If I went and wrote a different screen that called it with NULL

Developer #2 to James: [stares hard at the screen]

Developer #2 to James: [eventually moves code around, because he figures out that must be what James wants him to do]

Upon hearing this tale, Vlad quiped “It’s not a one man project, you know”

Maybe all those idiots I’ve encountered job-wise over the years weren’t idiots, but Highly Trained Terrorist Spies!

My thoughts regarding certain little Nine Inch Nails fans.First off, the concert was fantastic. Nine Inch Nails themselves were extremely good. It was interesting hearing how much…ballsier old material from Pretty Hate Machine sounded with that big low-end sound the CD didn’t have. Also, Queens of the Stone Age were one of the best opening acts I’ve seen. I find most openers are almost timid, they just play their stuff and go. Really GOOD opening acts don’t go on like that. They go full force for their set, like they’re the main event. And they did that. Death From Above 1979…ehhh. Whatever. Sure, it’s impressive that 2 guys make that much noise, but all their material just blended together after a couple of songs.

Anyway, all of the reviews from Edmonton media types have been very good. Everyone it seems, from that quarter, enjoyed it. Then there are the ‘fans’.

Remember how Backstreet Boys fans would give dumbass reasons like ‘They’re cute!’ when asked why they liked the group? And every rational human being wondered ‘What does that have to do with their sound?’ It seems a few NIN fans are the same. I’ve read a few postings on various websites complaining. Did they like the music? Oh, yeah, it was good. Was it the atmosphere? Nope, that was fine. It was the way Trent looked.

It seems that, due to close-cropped hair, and the fact he’s lifted some weights recently, he is now a ’sell out’. (A term I have never understood. I find it tends to mean ‘I’m a fan who likes to bitch!’) Oh my fucking Christ, he works out! He now has left all of his fans! He’s slapped us in the face! Damn him! He might as well take a dump on our collective chest!

If your interest in a band fades because the singer decides to change his appearance sometime over SIXTEEN YEARS, you are beyond pathetic. ‘He’s changed his look! But…but…but I had totally copied his old look! And mommy and daddy can’t afford to buy me a whole new look! whatever will I do?!?!?!’ Shut the fuck up. Die. Just die. Your life is going to be a pitiful mess, as you just copy one person after another, with no self-respect or drive to just be yourself, so do us all a fucking favour, and drink Drano until you stop breathing, you waste of skin. And don’t sign off on organ donation…I don’t want any part of your stinking excuse for humanity festering inside another. In fact, maybe just go pyro and light yourself up. You fuck.

Back in the spring, I was first exposed to my employer’s (Fujitsu) corporate theme song. Months after first hearing it, I’m still not sure what to think…

Seeing how our corporate intranet is a byzantine labryinth that seems to require 36 different user names and passwords, a retinal scan, and the abiltiy to speak fluent Aramaic, I was forced to search Google for a copy of the lyrics.

For those who are curious as to what a large-scale corporate ‘theme song’ composed by the Japanese sounds like, check it out. The little write-up that goes with it is actually pretty good. It convienently points out some of the ‘engrish’ found throughout this brilliant piece of work.

And for those who are willing to endure it, there is also an MP3 copy of the song on the site.

Enjoy.

What’s with the photo?Why is my random image a photo of what appears to be a green stain, entitled ‘Roman Bath Water’? Am I in fact looking upon a cloud of sperm as seen through night vision? What exactly is your job again, Vlad?

Starwars Transformers

Need I say more?

According to a recent article I read, Germans are increasingly “..turning to witchcraft and the occult to provide the solace they once found in churches, jobs and family.”

“This de-Christianisation is the result of a serious crisis of faith that has been spreading for many years, fed by two world wars and the protracted division of Germany,” says Mr Hansjoerg Hemminger, a leading Lutheran theologian.

Okay, so is this REALLY a good idea? The country that brought us WWI, WWII and the Fucking Holocaust is now beginning to collectively groove on Satanism?

For the record, I realize that there are all sorts of friendly warm and fuzzy vibes regarding paganism and witchcraft. This is not about this vegan muff-chewing dyke-loving grrrls. No one except for for Jerry Falwell is concerned about them.

I’m talking about the muther-o-fucking Satan worshipers. Y’know, the average local german skinhead who’s bored with life and reality and starts thinking “hey, I already hate Jews and all non-Germans.. Y’know what would be great? An way to execute them AND curry favor with The King Of Lies.”

At least when the next world war starts, I have the phrase “de-Christianisation” to look forward too. Right up there with de-Licing, de-Icing and de-Frosting. To say nothing else on this topic except perhaps De Fuhrer. Yah, I really got no place else to go except a tasteless joke about an ashtrey and how may Xs you can fit into a VW bug.

Well.. long live the New Satanic Germanics!

You wake up. It is dark. You can hear a noise somewhat reminescent of telephone ringing.

What would you like to do [CLICK]?You CLICKed. You suddenly hear a voiceover like in the movies. It’s Vlad’s voice.

"Today I managed not to screw myself out of a breakfast. It required me getting my ass in gear and out of the bed by 7am. Unfortunately, that is 10am Toronto time, so the task was still very very hard.

Breakfast was some sort of tasty almond pastry and fruit. The sessions during the day were quite good apart from the last session of the day. Highlights:
- SQL function to turn the comma separated list into a recordset
- how to get the non-deterministic functions to be evaluated once per each row
- Microsoft has just put my future job and projects on a stump and crushed them Gallagher style with the new SQL server Analysis services and BI design studio and reporting. Yeah. I need to find an edge again.
- Analysis Services 2005 is way too cool. See previous point.
- I need to read more about proper design of dimensions

During lunch talked to couple of people from North Dakota, Maine and California. The guy from California was quite flaming (which I found quite funny since he was WAY gayer than Sam). So as the conversation starter I asked him about the Guvernator.

The reaction was priceless. His head almost popped off "Don’t even get me started on that". It was a huge button that I just had to push since there was an election yesterday.

Dinner was at the rumjungle which true to the name has a HUGE list of rums. I personally wouldn’t pay $65 for a snifter of rum, but it’s available if anyone wants it. The Ahi Tuna was awesome and I used the "free bufet" card (gift card for $25) that everyone got. And the waitress had the biggest rack I’ve seen in a while. Ah, the miracles of modern pushup bra technology.

I tried getting into RA at the Luxor (wednesdays are supposed to be Pleasuredome nights) but it is closed. Winter season - not enough people they said.

Today’s gambling stats: +$125. Out of that $100 was blackjack and $25 was quarter slots. That covers my ticket from yesterday and still some money left over for play.

<click>beep<click>"

You’re awake. It is dark. What would you like to do?

Last time, Vlad was about to get into some DevConnections 2005 hijinks. We join the action just after the keynote on day 1.So the keynote was quite fun. One of the speakers delivered Windows 1.0 keynote as if it was 1985. There was much rah-rah-rah-ign. It was quite funny.

After the keynote, there was a mad dash to the exibition grounds where everyone was in a procession lineup collecting stamps from vendors for a Harley bike. I decided to talk to the vendors instead. I guess I’m kind of a prick, since all the other nerd were in files, waiting to get stamped. Reminded me of catle branding stations. Moooo.

I crashed at 11pm local time. I was tired since somehow it translates to 2am which is way past my bedtime when I’ve had only 6 hours of sleep the night before.

Day 2:

I wake up late and miss breakfast, but make it to the opening keynote. Most slides are regrugitated from the opening keynote. And to top that off, a very monotonous guy talked about something. Honest. It was early and he was putting me to sleep even with a crapload of coffee in me. I’ll have to consult my notes on it.

BI (business intelligence - same as military intelligence) sessions were good, apart from part 4, right after lunch, which should have been called "and this is how you traverse a firewall and DMZ". Felt like a waste, but there was nothing else that caught my eye.

I ran into Colin Maxwell and Jody Dorchester from Ronin Software from Edmonton as well. We ended the day with going to a Burger Place. I had a Kobe Beef burger which I asked them to cook medium well, but it turned out very dry in the end.

After the beer and burgers (Colin picked up the tab - thank you Colin!) we all headed to Tropicana for $5 blackjack tables. We tried to find more of them on the way there, but there weren’t any open that had 4 empty spots.

Total won/lost for the evening: $0 after 2 hours and 4 drinks. I headed after that to Fantasy at the Luxor. Topless dancers that had super hard bodies and for the most real breasts. I enjoyed the show very much and it was very tastefully done. The best number was gils playing the adult version of "cat’s cradle"

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What will Vlad do next? Tune in next time, when Vlad’s attempts to wake up on time! Same time, same channel! Don’t miss it!

the description of today at work, a day of demoing new machines for invited guests…and cowboy dressup!Today is the day! The exciting day that we launch a new machine…and 125 people are here to see it. Well, that, and eat beef and drink free beer. (Not that I blame them, I would to. But I can’t…I am a mere member of the working class proletariat, and unworthy of the beef. It’s been roasted all damn day by a catering crew from Tom Goodchild’s ‘Smoky Good Time’ Emporium. The smell fills the building. the temptation of au jus is killing me. Curse you, higher ups! the only way more forbidden temptation could be involved in this day would be if Mr. Goodchild himself starting handing out packs of Du Maurier and screaming “SMOKE, YOU PANSIES! SHOW THE COUNCIL YOU NEED IT TO LIVE!” Those who refused would be shot.) So, we have beef goin’ on.

Seeing as it’s rodeo week, we also have the salespeople (who, of course ARE allowed to partake in the feast. After all, they’re ’schmoozing’ these people, which requires beer and meat. and possibly lube. Several of the salesmen do not need this large meal. In a few cases, it’s like working with The Penguin, just with fewer diabolical plots, and a lot less “Hwah hwah hwah” ing.) dressed up in their cowboy finest. Many look ridiculous. I now understand the term ‘urban cowboy’, and believe it’s a native phrase meaning ‘White Man Look Like Dumbass’. Some don’t have the full regalia, so they’ve covered themselves in denim and vests. Apparently, they though it was Long Haul Trucker Day.

Every so often, one of these ‘authentic’ cowpokes leads a group of guests on a tour. It’s so CUTE watching these soused up richies try to interact with ‘The Working Class.’

“Why look, dear, he’s LIFTING things!”

“Why doesn’t he simply have his manservant do it for him?”

“Haha! The common people do not understand such sophistication, foolish wife! HAHAHA!”

This has been ongoing for many hours. All of this for a new copier…that’s really just a slightly modified older version. Zippideedoo. I dunno, maybe it now performs sexual favours or something. Aie. I could go on, but I’ve already had to swap over to my Purolator screen three times to show that I’m ‘working’. Of course, with all the salespeople on their knees before the potential customers, there is no real work coming along to do. But we’ve gotta’ pretend! Just like we had to ultra-clean the warehouse and shop…no sense showing these folks that we actually DO WORK or anything around here! Nosirree Bob! (Who is Bob, anyway? Why the notoriety?) Sort of like the big Champcar show in the summer…when the day before, we had to sweep…THE PARKING LOT. God forbid there be dirt OUTSIDE. But, that’s another kettle of fish. I digress. And hunger. Oh, God, do I hunger. Curse this beef!